Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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