I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just blew my weed a kiss
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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