Jerry, you need to find god
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
