Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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