My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
