I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
