I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
