I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
