OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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