So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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