Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
