I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
