the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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