In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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