I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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