just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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