Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
