also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You pole danced in your parka.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
