Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
