I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
