i think i have two assholes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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