the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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