So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
