my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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