I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
