I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
