He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
