I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
