Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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