call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
