I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
