its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
