Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
