Well apparently he's into motor boating.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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