Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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