u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
