Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
