You can't special order awesome
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
