she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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