she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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