i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
His nipple licking is glorious
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