So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
