I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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