And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
