Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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