very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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