OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
