how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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