I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
