I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
