I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
